Tuesday, April 8, 2008


I've been listening to Jordin Sparks' (why would you spell your child's name like that?) song "Tattoo", and sad to say I really like it. As a non-idol fan, I just enjoyed the song and the lyrics inside it, particularly these parts:

Don't look back, got a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

and then this part

If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
There's still a part of me in you

I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything I do

Perhaps this song strikes me in a way because that's how I think of my prior relationships. Yes, I loved you once, and you're still a part of me- of my past, but it's not the same. Do we all carry bits and pieces of our past?

In my life I've had about four boyfriends, including Paul. Out of those four, there was only one other boyfriend that I was really invested in. After about two years of dating (one of those long distance), there just was no hope for us. I wanted more and he couldn't give me more. So, things ended and I found Paul not too long after.

Since the relationship began so soon after another relationship, I was hesitant to believe I really did love Paul. The ex resurfaced a couple of times, each time telling me he had made a mistake. Yeah well, so did I. I wasted a lot of time with him. Despite me deeming the time "wasted", I don't think I'd trade the time we had for anything. Even Paul knows, the time I had with that guy has shaped me into the Amber he has now, and had I not experienced it, would I have looked up Paul after all?

Sometimes I question myself, because my love for Paul is unexplainable. Everyone from my dad to Paul's students tell me Paul's a great guy- I KNOW! That's why I married him! Still, I don't know how to explain how I feel about him. The previous boyfriend I would have said I had an all encompassing love for, but in reality I think I was just hoping for more. Comparing him to Paul is impossible, as Paul is probably the most decent and kind person I will ever know- and the other guy... well. He loved me. I can say that about him. I don't have anything bad to say about the other guy because he helped get me here to where I belong now. Because of that, he'll always be a part of me and my life, even if I don't talk to him anymore.

It seems life helps you get where you need to be, despite it causing you heartbreak.

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