Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I'm moving!!

Well, the time has come for me to leave this happy place. This is my third blog, I had one at LiveJournal, a Xanga one, a Blogspot one (this), and now... I'm at wordpress! Actually, I bought myself a domain!!

Since I didn't want to keep Fetal Attraction forever (because I pray to god I'm not obsessed with babies forever because I'll HAVE one!), the new address you can find me writing on is:

It will be the stories of life, love and struggle. The name is a play on the favorite computer game of kids of the 90s: Oregon Trail. I switched to Wordpress because it's more fun for me, and there are a ton more options for additions.

Please follow me over to my new site, I promise to entertain as per usual!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A rant

Another day at work, made even more intolerable after a three day weekend of Paul's basketball games, cuddling, and lazing about. Now, it is Tuesday, last night's dinner still needs to be cleaned up, the trash needs to be taken out (the reason dinner wasn't cleaned up), more laundry needs to be sorted and washed (then folded and put away), and the house needs to be picked up. Such a tiny place makes it so easy to get cluttered. A bit of clothes on the comfy chair makes it look like a hurricane hit. I've been trying so hard to get motivated but all I seem to be lately is tired, hungry and headachey- all of which can be traced back to the fatigue! I'm too tired to make food or get food at work, which then gives me a headache. When I get home, I take out Woofie then he and I both retreat to our couch, and fall asleep together. I'm afraid I'm creating a sloth-like dog.

Wanted to add: This "rant" isn't directed to my wonderful cousins, L and K. I love you guys, and am just frustrated at myself and my current inability to be patient. XOXO

Unfortunately, this miserable sleepiness isn't related to a fetus (zygote, embryo, baby, hatchling, little one). No, I've been trying to put this TTC business on the back burner for now, if not because of our searching for a new apartment, but for sanity. Yesterday was the first day since March of 2008 that I slept in and didn't take my temperature at all. Of course, I did use a couple ovulation predictor sticks (but failed to actually read them once I "baptized" them), which would have just reinforced my belief that I am actually ovulating today. So, as another chance goes by, willingly (mostly) this time, I am wistful.

There are some differences between my husband and I, not of the obvious kind (female/male, short/tall), but more the kind that no one other than us knows. Well, and now you. When I'm stressed out, unhappy, or just plain blah, I require a little bit of "Sexual Healing" as Marvin Gaye so lyrically put it. When Paul is any of the above, he just wants a back scratch and a snuggle. This difference is truly unfortunate at the moment because I'm feeling a bit of melancholy and stress, and Paul is just stressed beyond belief. So, I'll take one (ha!) for the team and resist molesting my husband. If only our go-to methods for instant pick-me-ups were one and the same...

It's been especially hard to avoid things baby at the moment. I happily went to the Manhattan Beach Mall for a birthday present for my twin cousins on their second birthdays. One had already been bought, and now I am done. Perhaps I'll add a little book or something to each to give them something cute to play with, since I got them both clothes. I hope family doesn't resent me giving clothes to the babies, it's just so hard for me to NOT buy clothing, because every tiny blouse or sweater seriously hurts me to pick up and hold. In Janie and Jack, Paul and I were strolling the aisles to find something handsome for Luke, our little man. Although I had already picked up Bree's gift, I couldn't help but mosey over to the girl side of the store, with heart-breakingly adorable dresses and tights, tiny hats and silly t-shirts (Mommy's Lovebug" was one), each one so delicate and soft. Poor Paul must have witnessed the pain in my eyes because he just let me wander the rows, touching each item I passed, telling him which one I'd get if I were buying for us. Finally, we had picked out Luke's gift, and Paul had already walked out of the store, but I just couldn't leave. The magic of baby-land is transfixing to a woman who is longing to be a mother, that it's quite terrible to be around something you love so dearly. On the one hand you envy everyone who has gotten there before you, whether or not they've been trying as long as you have- and you just can't tolerate being around people who are "luckier" than you (in your mind, at least) and have what you want. It literally hurts to be so close to something you want so incredibly bad, and still have it be unattainable. On the other hand, you love the babies and anything else related; the clothes and toys, even the mundane things like diapers and bottles (BPA free, of course), that despite how much it hurts to see the bellies of your friends growing, you just can't pull yourself away. It's hard to know which is best for you: ignoring your pained insides and punishing yourself and husband later with the talks of "Why not us?! Why??", or possibly hurting friends and family by not being more forthcoming with why you can't come, or why the congratulations are hard to eek out. You want to tell them that it's not really you who is being this bitter and mean, no, it's the evil person who had taken over last year when those daily acts of temping and charting just became too much to bear with an intact mind.

At this point, I've gotten terrible. If I see a person complaining about anything pregnancy related, I just ignite. When people are panicking about their ability to parent or whatever (perhaps with good cause, but I'm obviously far from logical lately), I just want to tell them to stop it. Just stop. I'd be more than willing to take your baby belly and cradle it gently with my hands, because I've been reading, I've nannied, I've been taking my pre-conception prenatal vitamins. I have done the research on cribs and strollers, miracle blanket vs. swaddle me, SIDS risks and why having a fan in the baby's room reduces the risk by something like 75% (something about airflow keeping the CO2 down)... I KNOW this stuff. So, I'll say it again, this time to someone other than my poor defeated husband: "Why not us?!"

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Soon enough

It seems the New Year has given me the lazies. All I've been doing lately is working, searching Westside Rentals and Craisglist for apartments to rent, and yes, reading the Twiglight saga. Both apartment hunting and Twilight are major distractions, especially on Craigslist. I go to look at the apartment listings, then I stroll on over to the "Missed Connections" searching for the woman who called out my husband in 2007. Yes, a woman actually posted a "Paul from Venice, where are you? I've been wondering how you've been." thing. Turned out it was his ex. And yes, I replied, "Paul is actually getting married- to ME. He's doing just fine, thanks." Paul got a kick out of it, so I don't feel bad, but it makes me stalk the boards just in case she got the urge to ask again.

Once I'm on Craigslist, I then go to the hilarious personals. Man those things are funny. From there I go to Rants and Raves, and then finish my tour back at the apartment listings again.

So, no apartment found yet, still putting aside rents and deposits, trying to find the right place- one that accepts dogs. Now really, who doesn't love a dog like Woofie? Who wouldn't want to see that furry little face every day? Oh well, soon we'll be relocated and Woofie will be adored as he should be. :)

As for TTC, we're still just hanging in there. Every now and then, I get the weepies, and want to just curl up and sleep. Mostly I'm trying to keep myself optimistic by planning on what I'd do with our second bedroom, cribs and bedding, wall decals and adorable rugs. Ah, what I'll do.

So, things are still in limbo, waiting for babies, waiting for deposits, waiting to leave here.

Monday, January 12, 2009


Ahhh, sorry it has been so long since I've been here. Christmas and New Years have passed, and now I'm in the thick of completing year-end along with all the fun of quarter end as well. Paul and I are doing well. Just a few weeks ago, we pretty much decided to move into a two bedroom apartment. One of those spur of the moment things like, "We're going to get a Playstation 3, and we're getting one TODAY."

Unlike the Playstation, this would affect our whole life- at least for the time being. We'd been tossing about the notion of moving for quite some time up to now. We're unhappy in our current apartment; it's dark and the building is frustrating- with upstairs neighbors alternating their fights with loud sex (which, by the way, makes me wonder why some people are okay in a relationship like that), and on a loud boulevard with only street parking available which is nearly impossible to get depending on the hour. As I'd said, we'd been debating moving to a bigger apartment (all the better to decorate), but couldn't quite justify the hassle of moving and paying higher rent. That was until we received a letter from our landlord- he's raising our rent to $1,125.00 per month. For a crappy one bedroom with a fridge that doesn't work, a shower with tiles falling constantly, and a hole in the cupboards. So that was pretty much the last straw.

Now we're squirreling away all our money for the first month/pet deposit, and as soon as that's done- we're OUT OF HERE! Part of me is sad, as this was the first place I moved to outside of my parents' house and the first place we called home after being married, but it's just not feasible anymore. I know that Paul would love to have a second bedroom for friends and family who may need to visit- and I would love to get to decorate a "baby's room" when the time comes. While we've been TTC in this one bedroom apartment, I'd been a little sad when I saw everyone posting the recently decorated baby's room pictures, knowing I could only decorate "baby's corner". Now that we'll be moving, I'm starting to get happier about it all happening, and just thrilled knowing we'll have a second bedroom. A whole different space!

So now we're thinking places to move close to Dad and our friends, because that's what really matters- well, that and my lazy ass being able to get home on the bus. :) Immersed in planning of our layouts and how exactly we'll give our notice, we're thrilled. As Paul said, "Now there is a light at the end of the tunnel." And yes, we'll have to file change of address forms, and change all our billing, and spend a few more hundred dollars a month, but in my opinion, it's worth it.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

All I Want for Christmas

I don't think I've blogged much about TTC lately, and trust me, it's a conscious effort to not drone on and on about it. I'm thinking I'm at the point where I'm focused on getting pregnant, but so tired with myself for not actually being pregnant. Is that even possible?

I'm staying away from my TTC forums, lurking on the, and failing at NOT reading anything baby related. Last night I wrapped most of the gifts for the kids in our families- folding those little baby shirts that I pored over for at least an hour to choose the right one (while at Culver City farmer's market, no less), realizing how tiny those little things are- and oh, how tiny the people they will be adorning are! I couldn't help but rub the soft material on my cheek, knowing and hoping that by this time next year I'll be folding my very own onesies and baby shirts. Yes, then I walked over to my secret drawer in my dresser, where I keep the only two things I've allowed myself to buy for our future baby- soft Carters onesies festooned with ducks. Never before have I felt an attraction to ducks- no, I'm more your giraffe/monkey/hippo kind of gal, but oh, these ducks. Tear your heart out with cuteness. On one we have a white background, with ducks all over, with yellow neckline and arm and leg holes. The other is white, with the same yellow neck and arm holes, but instead of the smattering of duckies, this one has just one duck, directly in the center of the chest- soft and yellow, with a wing you can flap up and down, made of the softest material known to man, almost like down feathers.

At least once a month I pull these onesies out, and lay them on my chest, pretending it's a real baby. When I'm around babies or toddlers, I just want to pull them toward me and hold them, breathe in the soft baby smell. Unfortunately, the babies/kids I'm around are getting big enough to not want to be held, and want to run and stomp with their cousins. It's so strange to me, I remember being at that age, having my cousins around to play with for holidays and celebrations, and now I'm watching a new generation do the same. Time really flies when you're not paying attention.

I really must put a stop to this searching for baby gear- for I already have our stroller picked out, which crib we'll buy is already ingrained in my brain, and just now, I have found an outfit Paul would adore:

Cute strikes again, with this Polar Bear ensemble by Bon Bebe, on sale for a mere SEVEN DOLLARS! I'd buy it myself, but Paul doesn't want us to jinx ourselves, which I can understand. Still it's SEVEN DOLLARS! See, I've seen cute things before (my cousin Lisa sent me a link ages ago to the dachshund themed outfits at one of those too cute for words baby stores, and although I wanted them all so badly- and they were also on sale, I resisted), but this- this polar bear set is a sign. The polar bear is Paul's favorite animal in the whole world. And part of me, the silly makes-no-sense part of me, thinks that if I had it, if somehow we owned something this cute and this perfect for us, that perhaps we'd get lucky, and get pregnant. I know, it's ridiculous.

So, as we pass into 2009 (!), I hope that new and better days are coming. I hope I'll spend most of 2009 pregnant, and that at this time next year, I'll have a polar bear wearing baby to bounce on my hip. You hear that, God? I'm putting in a request, please. If not God, can you hear me Santa? I've been especially good this year, minus the few random snarks I let come out here and there.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

My Pantwiener

Somehow, someway, my pants arrived at the store with the outline of a cartoon penis (ala Superbad) on them. And after wearing them for weeks (not all at once), I only noticed today.

Getting Down to Business (repost)

As most of you know, I blogged as Mrs. Kiwi on Weddingbee. Today I received a comment on a post from over a year ago, written just two weeks after our wedding. I honestly had totally forgotten I'd written it, but when I went back to see what the comment ("thank you") was referring to, I felt kind of proud of myself, because I'm very glad I wrote (and read) this post below.

Mr. Kiwi and I have been married for two weeks now. People are still coming up to us and telling us how much they enjoyed the ceremony, and how beautiful the wedding was (pictures are coming, I swear). Other than that, nothing much has changed. Sure, there is the whole having to change my name over thing, and the “how’s married life?” questions to answer (wait: there is supposed to be a difference?), but that’s about it.

It’s strange because this is one of the hugest decisions you will likely make in your life. Despite what the celebrities are showing us, splitting up isn’t so easy after a marriage, and who goes into a marriage relying on the idea that divorce is always an option? I said it was strange because although it is such a huge step, the actual marriage part isn’t as different as I thought it’d be. The “Hot Thread” post from yesterday got me thinking about this little (big) thing called marriage.

Much like the poster, I also experienced some major what-ifs. Mr. Kiwi and I have been together for four years as well, with things between us more of a steady love, and less the “on-fire” type of love you seem to see all over the place. We’re getting married, right? Should we be more excited? Since day one of our reunion, I’ve known we’d end up married. Apparently, so did Mr. Kiwi. I’ve mentioned that we dated a decade ago, and throughout the years apart we grew up and became a little more stable, and wanted someone with the same ideals.

A year after we began dating we moved in together. Three months after that we got a dog. We were now part of a routine, and we had our own little family. Sure, the passionate times of the first year or so had faded a bit, but what replaced it? Growing up in a home without parents who loved each other led me to be scared of any relationship that wasn’t full of passionate embraces and breathless nights. I didn’t want to turn into a cold couple who didn’t exhibit any signs of romance, because surely that couldn’t be good for your life in the future, right?

Glancing around at various friends and family, I tried to see if there was a difference between the marrieds and the dating or soon to be marrieds. I couldn’t find the difference that I was scared of seeing, certain couples are more loving in public, and others a bit standoffish. Although it is possibly pointless to compare yourself and your BF/FI/Husband to other couples, it actually helped me. While it doesn’t help you to compare your coupleness to a previous romance (which I did), I think that we can learn a lot from what we’re surrounded by.

My rambling point is, don’t be afraid for your future. Just because you may have to decide that “we should probably have sex at some point this week”, your relationship isn’t in danger. Once the wedding has passed, once all the planning has finished and your lives are back to normal, you’ll see what you had been building all along. Most people say they’re marrying their best friend- think about it for a sec- isn’t that what you’d want for the rest of your life? Someone that knows you backwards and forwards, someone who will hold your hand during a scary movie, and console you when your frog has died? So you’re not steaming up the windows three times a day… realize that love evolves. For me, all I want is someone who will evolve with me.