Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I'm moving!!

Well, the time has come for me to leave this happy place. This is my third blog, I had one at LiveJournal, a Xanga one, a Blogspot one (this), and now... I'm at wordpress! Actually, I bought myself a domain!!

Since I didn't want to keep Fetal Attraction forever (because I pray to god I'm not obsessed with babies forever because I'll HAVE one!), the new address you can find me writing on is:

It will be the stories of life, love and struggle. The name is a play on the favorite computer game of kids of the 90s: Oregon Trail. I switched to Wordpress because it's more fun for me, and there are a ton more options for additions.

Please follow me over to my new site, I promise to entertain as per usual!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A rant

Another day at work, made even more intolerable after a three day weekend of Paul's basketball games, cuddling, and lazing about. Now, it is Tuesday, last night's dinner still needs to be cleaned up, the trash needs to be taken out (the reason dinner wasn't cleaned up), more laundry needs to be sorted and washed (then folded and put away), and the house needs to be picked up. Such a tiny place makes it so easy to get cluttered. A bit of clothes on the comfy chair makes it look like a hurricane hit. I've been trying so hard to get motivated but all I seem to be lately is tired, hungry and headachey- all of which can be traced back to the fatigue! I'm too tired to make food or get food at work, which then gives me a headache. When I get home, I take out Woofie then he and I both retreat to our couch, and fall asleep together. I'm afraid I'm creating a sloth-like dog.

Wanted to add: This "rant" isn't directed to my wonderful cousins, L and K. I love you guys, and am just frustrated at myself and my current inability to be patient. XOXO

Unfortunately, this miserable sleepiness isn't related to a fetus (zygote, embryo, baby, hatchling, little one). No, I've been trying to put this TTC business on the back burner for now, if not because of our searching for a new apartment, but for sanity. Yesterday was the first day since March of 2008 that I slept in and didn't take my temperature at all. Of course, I did use a couple ovulation predictor sticks (but failed to actually read them once I "baptized" them), which would have just reinforced my belief that I am actually ovulating today. So, as another chance goes by, willingly (mostly) this time, I am wistful.

There are some differences between my husband and I, not of the obvious kind (female/male, short/tall), but more the kind that no one other than us knows. Well, and now you. When I'm stressed out, unhappy, or just plain blah, I require a little bit of "Sexual Healing" as Marvin Gaye so lyrically put it. When Paul is any of the above, he just wants a back scratch and a snuggle. This difference is truly unfortunate at the moment because I'm feeling a bit of melancholy and stress, and Paul is just stressed beyond belief. So, I'll take one (ha!) for the team and resist molesting my husband. If only our go-to methods for instant pick-me-ups were one and the same...

It's been especially hard to avoid things baby at the moment. I happily went to the Manhattan Beach Mall for a birthday present for my twin cousins on their second birthdays. One had already been bought, and now I am done. Perhaps I'll add a little book or something to each to give them something cute to play with, since I got them both clothes. I hope family doesn't resent me giving clothes to the babies, it's just so hard for me to NOT buy clothing, because every tiny blouse or sweater seriously hurts me to pick up and hold. In Janie and Jack, Paul and I were strolling the aisles to find something handsome for Luke, our little man. Although I had already picked up Bree's gift, I couldn't help but mosey over to the girl side of the store, with heart-breakingly adorable dresses and tights, tiny hats and silly t-shirts (Mommy's Lovebug" was one), each one so delicate and soft. Poor Paul must have witnessed the pain in my eyes because he just let me wander the rows, touching each item I passed, telling him which one I'd get if I were buying for us. Finally, we had picked out Luke's gift, and Paul had already walked out of the store, but I just couldn't leave. The magic of baby-land is transfixing to a woman who is longing to be a mother, that it's quite terrible to be around something you love so dearly. On the one hand you envy everyone who has gotten there before you, whether or not they've been trying as long as you have- and you just can't tolerate being around people who are "luckier" than you (in your mind, at least) and have what you want. It literally hurts to be so close to something you want so incredibly bad, and still have it be unattainable. On the other hand, you love the babies and anything else related; the clothes and toys, even the mundane things like diapers and bottles (BPA free, of course), that despite how much it hurts to see the bellies of your friends growing, you just can't pull yourself away. It's hard to know which is best for you: ignoring your pained insides and punishing yourself and husband later with the talks of "Why not us?! Why??", or possibly hurting friends and family by not being more forthcoming with why you can't come, or why the congratulations are hard to eek out. You want to tell them that it's not really you who is being this bitter and mean, no, it's the evil person who had taken over last year when those daily acts of temping and charting just became too much to bear with an intact mind.

At this point, I've gotten terrible. If I see a person complaining about anything pregnancy related, I just ignite. When people are panicking about their ability to parent or whatever (perhaps with good cause, but I'm obviously far from logical lately), I just want to tell them to stop it. Just stop. I'd be more than willing to take your baby belly and cradle it gently with my hands, because I've been reading, I've nannied, I've been taking my pre-conception prenatal vitamins. I have done the research on cribs and strollers, miracle blanket vs. swaddle me, SIDS risks and why having a fan in the baby's room reduces the risk by something like 75% (something about airflow keeping the CO2 down)... I KNOW this stuff. So, I'll say it again, this time to someone other than my poor defeated husband: "Why not us?!"

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Soon enough

It seems the New Year has given me the lazies. All I've been doing lately is working, searching Westside Rentals and Craisglist for apartments to rent, and yes, reading the Twiglight saga. Both apartment hunting and Twilight are major distractions, especially on Craigslist. I go to look at the apartment listings, then I stroll on over to the "Missed Connections" searching for the woman who called out my husband in 2007. Yes, a woman actually posted a "Paul from Venice, where are you? I've been wondering how you've been." thing. Turned out it was his ex. And yes, I replied, "Paul is actually getting married- to ME. He's doing just fine, thanks." Paul got a kick out of it, so I don't feel bad, but it makes me stalk the boards just in case she got the urge to ask again.

Once I'm on Craigslist, I then go to the hilarious personals. Man those things are funny. From there I go to Rants and Raves, and then finish my tour back at the apartment listings again.

So, no apartment found yet, still putting aside rents and deposits, trying to find the right place- one that accepts dogs. Now really, who doesn't love a dog like Woofie? Who wouldn't want to see that furry little face every day? Oh well, soon we'll be relocated and Woofie will be adored as he should be. :)

As for TTC, we're still just hanging in there. Every now and then, I get the weepies, and want to just curl up and sleep. Mostly I'm trying to keep myself optimistic by planning on what I'd do with our second bedroom, cribs and bedding, wall decals and adorable rugs. Ah, what I'll do.

So, things are still in limbo, waiting for babies, waiting for deposits, waiting to leave here.

Monday, January 12, 2009


Ahhh, sorry it has been so long since I've been here. Christmas and New Years have passed, and now I'm in the thick of completing year-end along with all the fun of quarter end as well. Paul and I are doing well. Just a few weeks ago, we pretty much decided to move into a two bedroom apartment. One of those spur of the moment things like, "We're going to get a Playstation 3, and we're getting one TODAY."

Unlike the Playstation, this would affect our whole life- at least for the time being. We'd been tossing about the notion of moving for quite some time up to now. We're unhappy in our current apartment; it's dark and the building is frustrating- with upstairs neighbors alternating their fights with loud sex (which, by the way, makes me wonder why some people are okay in a relationship like that), and on a loud boulevard with only street parking available which is nearly impossible to get depending on the hour. As I'd said, we'd been debating moving to a bigger apartment (all the better to decorate), but couldn't quite justify the hassle of moving and paying higher rent. That was until we received a letter from our landlord- he's raising our rent to $1,125.00 per month. For a crappy one bedroom with a fridge that doesn't work, a shower with tiles falling constantly, and a hole in the cupboards. So that was pretty much the last straw.

Now we're squirreling away all our money for the first month/pet deposit, and as soon as that's done- we're OUT OF HERE! Part of me is sad, as this was the first place I moved to outside of my parents' house and the first place we called home after being married, but it's just not feasible anymore. I know that Paul would love to have a second bedroom for friends and family who may need to visit- and I would love to get to decorate a "baby's room" when the time comes. While we've been TTC in this one bedroom apartment, I'd been a little sad when I saw everyone posting the recently decorated baby's room pictures, knowing I could only decorate "baby's corner". Now that we'll be moving, I'm starting to get happier about it all happening, and just thrilled knowing we'll have a second bedroom. A whole different space!

So now we're thinking places to move close to Dad and our friends, because that's what really matters- well, that and my lazy ass being able to get home on the bus. :) Immersed in planning of our layouts and how exactly we'll give our notice, we're thrilled. As Paul said, "Now there is a light at the end of the tunnel." And yes, we'll have to file change of address forms, and change all our billing, and spend a few more hundred dollars a month, but in my opinion, it's worth it.