Friday, February 15, 2008


Last night I sat down to finish a book I have been reading for a few days. Man, it was really not the best book to read while I was lazing about on the couch with Paul. In this book, a woman is 34 and currently living with her 90 year old grandma in New York. Her grandma reminded me so much of my own, a real fireball with a sweet heart and deep love for her family. At the end of the book, her grandma died while the woman was out on an audition, one in which the girl was supposed to eulogize her fictional grandmother.

It seems that I'm constantly thinking of my own grandmother, the only one I had ever known. I don't know if that will pass with time (it's already been ten years since her passing), or if she will always somehow be a sad spot there in my mind and heart. In some ways, I would like to be free of the pain of missing her, but I'd never want to completely lose my grandma's memory. It's a tough choice to make; remember her for the good times and bad times or to just forget completely and be free of the pain.

My cousin Ellen recently left me a comment on a wedding picture I had posted, telling me that she and my cousin Amy particularly loved that picture. That made me happy until I thought a little deeper- Grandma will never see that photo. Grandma will never see any of us grow old and have babies and get married. Sometimes I wonder if it was a good thing marrying on her birthday, since the memories will probably always be bittersweet.

When I began to walk down that long aisle on November 3rd, one of the first people I saw from beneath my veil was my aunt Sharon (Ellen and Amy's mother), tearfully smiling at me. When I saw the look on her face, it weakened my resolve to not cry on my wedding day, because I knew she was thinking the same thing I was- if only Grandma had been here to see this. Later, as Paul and I were going through all the lovely cards we had received, I began to read the card from Sharon, and I knew for a fact we had been thinking the same thing that morning, for her card read, "I know that Grandma would be so proud of you, and we know she would have loved to be here". For about the millionth time that day, I began to cry. Would I ever be able to see a picture of Grandma, or hear a story about Grandma and not start to cry?

For my wedding shower gift from the aforementioned Amy and Ellen, they had filled a stainless steel bowl full of homemade bath products, each labeled with a picture of Grandma and the words "100% Grandma Approved". Surprising myself, I burst into tears, angry at myself for being so darn weak again, but still missing my Grandma (our Grandma) so very much. I know they felt bad for making me cry like that, but it was really the best gift I have ever been given (aside from the gift of a photo album with Grandma's picture in it from Amy for Christmas), and I never want to forget it.

Hopefully a time will come when I don't fall to pieces at the thought of my Grandma's loss. I try to think of what she'd be thinking right now, and I know she'll be telling me her favorite goodbye phrase, "See you in the funny papers". I hope that means sooner or later there will be more than tears at the thought of her.

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