Thursday, February 21, 2008

Cousin It.

I'm thisclose to murdering my second cousin and her asshole of a boyfriend. Can you imagine a guy who looks like an asshole? God, that's disgusting. Anyway, let me begin at the beginning. *wavey dream lines*

My cousin Ashley was a promising student at Chapman University. Until she met Kevin. Now she's a 20 year old drop out who has moved in with her 20 year old dropout boyfriend. Living in sin (and in secret until recently) I have no problem with. No, I have a problem with lying to everyone who cares about you, and virtually ignoring any and all advice that the boyfriend who TREATS YOU LIKE A DOG should be kicked to the curb. Ashley doesn't see it. Isn't that how it is when you're in your first "real" relationship?

This Kevin gentleman (used looser than a Reno prostitute) has absolutely no respect for Ashley's family, and is either always with her, or when he isn't, is on the phone with her constantly, telling her what to do. Until now, this hasn't bothered me too much. She's an adult, let her make her own mistakes, right? I'll still love her when she's torn apart after realizing what a massive douche-bag he really is. Why is it suddenly that it's affecting me?

Despite everyone telling them that Kevin was not invited to our wedding, he STILL tagged along with Ashley, who was a reader for us. When he showed up at the reception, he seated himself at an empty table, one that had my boss at it. He chatted up my boss and passed over a business card, what that business was, I don't know. In fact, I didn't even know about this passing of the card, I had no idea until...

Shoot to a few weeks ago, I get a phone call from Ashley. She's giving me the spiel about how she's "taking a break" from school, and is instead working for her boyfriend's company. She sounds like a cult member, telling it, "It's really fun, way more fun than animation. We go from office to office asking if they need help. Kev gave your boss his card at the wedding and we're hoping we'll get to see you soon." Poisoned Kool-Aid, anyone? I dismiss the call as a one-time thing, and forget about it. A week later she calls again, and I missed it. I didn't even bother to call her back. Another week or two goes by and she calls while I'm at work, telling me that Kevin "lost" my boss' number (LIAR! He never gave Kevin his card!! LIAR LIAR!) and would I mind giving it to her? Quick thinking me told her that I'm not allowed to give out numbers and I take down Kevin's phone number, but let her know that I'm not comfortable with this whole thing. Well, I write down three digits, close enough, right?

At this point, there is familial strife. Ashley's very divorced parents have called a family meeting regarding her asshole boyfriend and her dropping out of school. If her parents choose to meet, it must be a very big deal, ya know? Ashley proceeds to bring her boss, ahem, BOYFRIEND to this "family-only meeting". Ash's mom, who has never been the voice of sanity and reasoning tells him to hot-foot it out, and take his attitude with him. He talks back. Ashley's dad tells him he'd better learn who he's talking to, and to get himself a new attitude, since he KNEW it was a FAMILY meeting. Kevin leaves.

The other day at work, I left early. When I came in the next morning, Kevin called on my office line, asking to change his meeting time with my boss to an earlier hour. Are you fucking kidding me? How the hell did this smug bastard find out the number? I pass the message on to my boss, and then spend the rest of the day seething about my cousin, her dipshit boyfriend, and their utter LACK of professionalism and respect for family (why would you let your boyfriend USE your family like that, knowing how I feel?). All night I'm laying in bed, wondering what to say to my boss to let him know how we feel about Kevin.

I decide to send him an email telling him just what I think and what I know about him. I wax poetic on Kevin's shitheadedness, his utter lack of respect for elders, his condescending nature, his WEDDING-CRASHINGNESS, and above all, his creepy cult-like hold on my cousin, and the odd business he's running (although not able to pin down what it is exactly, he does). I tell my boss that I have no part in their deal, as I don't even like him, so if my boss is trying to help me out by helping a friend, not to bother, as he is NOT a friend.

Once I do this, I feel better, and boss-man and I laugh a great deal about how stupid this kid is, with his completely backward sense of thinking (he called to cement the appointment time, and mentioned he was bringing in a co-worker who was a great family man, "isn't that great?". Boss says, "I don't really care about his personal life"). Then I called my mom to bitch/snitch on my cousin and her piece of shit assfaced boyfriend. Have I used enough colorful expletives to correctly show how I feel towards that son of a bitch? When I finish telling Mom all about the crap that douche is pulling, she's pissed. How dare they take advantage of family like that, she says. Apparently they don't give a crap about how this could negatively affect my job, as Kevin may say or do something to make me look bad. And you know what? She's right. HOW DARE THEY. So, when I cool off a bit, my aunt is getting a call. She's Ashley's grandma, and a witness to all the crap he has pulled. I just know she's going to call Ashley, and I HOPE she'll call Ashley's dad about it.

Now I'm pissed. If I'm correct in my thinking, and boss-man turns Kevin down so fast his greasy little head will spin, and that punk-ass tries to BLAME me, or worse, tries to use me to get to him again, I swear on all things holy, I will sic my 350lb husband on him.

Can you tell I hate him?

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