Wednesday, June 18, 2008

From a distance

Everyone is allowed a little down time, right? Not like, "powering down" and taking a vacation, but just "I honestly don't feel like I can pretend to be happy anymore" downtime. Like, I'm feeling down. I've always been impatient, never would patience be considered one of my virtues. Despite that, I don't believe I'm OWED anything in life, I don't DESERVE to have everything I want.

I have a great husband who I love, a great dog I love, parents who support me, extended family who loves me (and I love in return), but I feel like I've been moving along in my daily life with a lump constantly in my throat, a tight feeling in my chest. I'm not quite sure why I feel this way, perhaps it's hormones? I don't know. All I know is that I'm tired of the waves of jealousy and envy that flow through me. I'm tired of forcing myself to be chipper, and fed up with having to be the usual Amber. Sometimes I do want to cry about random things, and yes, I know it's okay to stop being happy for one day (hell, more than one).

I think what bothers me is that I don't like this feeling. I hate myself for being jealous of friends who have everything I want. I wasn't raised to be bratty, I was happy being poor but loved. Why now, is it different? Why can't I just be HAPPY without being envious? I love my friends very much (even those I haven't met in real life), and I swear, I am supportive and will back them up should other people try to cut them down (I'm a walking and talking hypocrite), but still, I envy. Is there a difference between a friend being envious and an enemy? I hope so.

So for all the people I seem a little distant to: I'm sorry, I'm busy wallowing in self-pity. I'm having an adult sized temper-tantrum. Pity party for one. This is me, being down. I apologize, because I'm as tired of this as you are.


Kj said...

We all get down. We all have out spells. And we all still love you -- no matter what.

Big hugs Amber.

fatafelice said...

Hugs from me, too!

I have felt sorry for myself everyday for the last two weeks. I say, wallow in it for a while, or it will just suck you back down later. :)