Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A rant

Another day at work, made even more intolerable after a three day weekend of Paul's basketball games, cuddling, and lazing about. Now, it is Tuesday, last night's dinner still needs to be cleaned up, the trash needs to be taken out (the reason dinner wasn't cleaned up), more laundry needs to be sorted and washed (then folded and put away), and the house needs to be picked up. Such a tiny place makes it so easy to get cluttered. A bit of clothes on the comfy chair makes it look like a hurricane hit. I've been trying so hard to get motivated but all I seem to be lately is tired, hungry and headachey- all of which can be traced back to the fatigue! I'm too tired to make food or get food at work, which then gives me a headache. When I get home, I take out Woofie then he and I both retreat to our couch, and fall asleep together. I'm afraid I'm creating a sloth-like dog.

Wanted to add: This "rant" isn't directed to my wonderful cousins, L and K. I love you guys, and am just frustrated at myself and my current inability to be patient. XOXO

Unfortunately, this miserable sleepiness isn't related to a fetus (zygote, embryo, baby, hatchling, little one). No, I've been trying to put this TTC business on the back burner for now, if not because of our searching for a new apartment, but for sanity. Yesterday was the first day since March of 2008 that I slept in and didn't take my temperature at all. Of course, I did use a couple ovulation predictor sticks (but failed to actually read them once I "baptized" them), which would have just reinforced my belief that I am actually ovulating today. So, as another chance goes by, willingly (mostly) this time, I am wistful.

There are some differences between my husband and I, not of the obvious kind (female/male, short/tall), but more the kind that no one other than us knows. Well, and now you. When I'm stressed out, unhappy, or just plain blah, I require a little bit of "Sexual Healing" as Marvin Gaye so lyrically put it. When Paul is any of the above, he just wants a back scratch and a snuggle. This difference is truly unfortunate at the moment because I'm feeling a bit of melancholy and stress, and Paul is just stressed beyond belief. So, I'll take one (ha!) for the team and resist molesting my husband. If only our go-to methods for instant pick-me-ups were one and the same...

It's been especially hard to avoid things baby at the moment. I happily went to the Manhattan Beach Mall for a birthday present for my twin cousins on their second birthdays. One had already been bought, and now I am done. Perhaps I'll add a little book or something to each to give them something cute to play with, since I got them both clothes. I hope family doesn't resent me giving clothes to the babies, it's just so hard for me to NOT buy clothing, because every tiny blouse or sweater seriously hurts me to pick up and hold. In Janie and Jack, Paul and I were strolling the aisles to find something handsome for Luke, our little man. Although I had already picked up Bree's gift, I couldn't help but mosey over to the girl side of the store, with heart-breakingly adorable dresses and tights, tiny hats and silly t-shirts (Mommy's Lovebug" was one), each one so delicate and soft. Poor Paul must have witnessed the pain in my eyes because he just let me wander the rows, touching each item I passed, telling him which one I'd get if I were buying for us. Finally, we had picked out Luke's gift, and Paul had already walked out of the store, but I just couldn't leave. The magic of baby-land is transfixing to a woman who is longing to be a mother, that it's quite terrible to be around something you love so dearly. On the one hand you envy everyone who has gotten there before you, whether or not they've been trying as long as you have- and you just can't tolerate being around people who are "luckier" than you (in your mind, at least) and have what you want. It literally hurts to be so close to something you want so incredibly bad, and still have it be unattainable. On the other hand, you love the babies and anything else related; the clothes and toys, even the mundane things like diapers and bottles (BPA free, of course), that despite how much it hurts to see the bellies of your friends growing, you just can't pull yourself away. It's hard to know which is best for you: ignoring your pained insides and punishing yourself and husband later with the talks of "Why not us?! Why??", or possibly hurting friends and family by not being more forthcoming with why you can't come, or why the congratulations are hard to eek out. You want to tell them that it's not really you who is being this bitter and mean, no, it's the evil person who had taken over last year when those daily acts of temping and charting just became too much to bear with an intact mind.

At this point, I've gotten terrible. If I see a person complaining about anything pregnancy related, I just ignite. When people are panicking about their ability to parent or whatever (perhaps with good cause, but I'm obviously far from logical lately), I just want to tell them to stop it. Just stop. I'd be more than willing to take your baby belly and cradle it gently with my hands, because I've been reading, I've nannied, I've been taking my pre-conception prenatal vitamins. I have done the research on cribs and strollers, miracle blanket vs. swaddle me, SIDS risks and why having a fan in the baby's room reduces the risk by something like 75% (something about airflow keeping the CO2 down)... I KNOW this stuff. So, I'll say it again, this time to someone other than my poor defeated husband: "Why not us?!"


Elizabeth said...

I am also feeling completely useless these days, for no good reason. My house is a mess.

Big hugs on everything else.

Anonymous said...

I think my SIL is going through a very similar thing. People seem to expect now that she and her husband have been married for a while, all he has to do is look in her direction and she'll get knocked up. Totally horrible and stressful.
Big hugs to you! I hope you feel better soon. :)

L I S A said...

1) I take it your dad doesn't read the blog hence 'Marvin Gaye' lovin'.

2) You brought back all those frustrations and sadness when we were TTC. I know how you feel, hon. If you feel like venting, you can always call me!

3) If you can, go see your dr and get some testing done. It'll keep you busy and make you feel better you're that much closer to getting a BFP.


ps Believe it or not, it's still hard for me to see pregger ppl. Oh well, at least I can drink!

miss shortcake said...

it sounds like you're living my secret fears! We're ttc in march, and although my charts are good, and I've been reading EVERYTHING, taking my pre-natals, exercising, etc, etc, I'm still afraid that I will be unsuccessful. I hope you have a BFP sooner rather than later, and that your apartment search goes well!