Our one year wedding anniversary is coming up. We'd hoped to be pregnant by then, but in the meantime I'd been trying to think of reasons I was glad it hasn't happened yet. Stupid little things like: oooh, at least I can enjoy a margarita, even though I don't drink. So I'm starting to drink more. It's a filthy cycle, I tell you. I'm almost taunting myself here, with these insipid reasons why it's good I'm not pregnant: at least I'm not pregnant in the summer! Good thing I'm not pregnant right now, Woofie has allergies (?). Then it started becoming: Good thing I'm not pregnant right now, I don't know if I wanted another May baby in the family. All these little things that hurt to say, trying to make myself feel better.
Today is a low day for me. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I was sidelined with a pretty bad cold this morning, one that had my throat hurting (Hey! Good thing I'm not pregnant this morning, I couldn't take any medication!), eyes watering and uncontrollable sneezing. The past couple of days have been just a sea of routines; going home, taking Woofie out, talking to my dad, making dinner, eating dinner, watching a movie... then my mom's dislocated shoulder was tossed into it and it turned into, "God, this is hard, I hope she'll be okay (hey! Good thing I'm not pregnant, that x-ray would not be good to be around)". Then her friend tells me, "You need to start having babies, your mom promised to quit smoking when you get pregnant." Great, so my Mom's inability to have some damned willpower has now deemed me the person who will get her to quit smoking, all I need to do is get pregnant. Because you know, it's easy.
So yeah, now I'm at work, spewing my misery of TTC around to the other ladies TTC with me, the lucky ones who have only been at it a month or so. When people say the first year of marriage is the toughest, I wonder if they were also TTC.
As I mentioned in my title up there, at least with my watery eyes and runny nose, no one at work can tell I'm crying. So there is an upside after all.
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2 comments:
My heart is heavy for you Amber. I can't believe its been a year already! Oh my goodness.
Keep on blogging it...
Love you
K
I sympathize with you.
It is devastating to hope and hope and hope...and then crash and burn when af arrives every month. Like you, I find half-hearted reasons to "celebrate" not being pregnant, most of which involve drinks with umbrellas in them.
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