Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Still clicking my heels together

It's funny to me, at the moment I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I mean, I have my family and friends, and I belong with them... but I don't have a distinct group I belong to. When I was at Weddingbee, I was getting married. My group was engaged women planning their weddings (some in public on a national site, others in private), waiting to be "wife" instead of "girlfriend" or "fiance". Then, months after our marriage, I became a TTCer. And now, months after that, I'm not really associating myself with anything anymore.

I'm not chipper or upbeat enough to be a contributing part of the TTC group that I was previously a member of. Instead I've turned bitter, unable to congratulate all those who pop in momentarily to share in TTC, and then find themselves pregnant on the first try. When one of them announces a chemical pregnancy or a (god forbid) miscarriage, I wonder briefly which is worse: to know you're capable of getting pregnant, yet suffering a loss like that; or after ten or so cycles, not yet finding yourself pregnant with no possible explanation as to why. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, if so, I apologize for how I seem to you readers- especially those of you who have suffered such devastating losses, but being on this side of the fence leaves me with many questions to be answered. Therefore, I find myself willingly leaving the TTC thread, because I couldn't POSSIBLY be trying any harder to get pregnant. So while the new girls appear sporadically, all excited with the newness of TTC, I can't share in their joy. A shiny, new basal thermometer and a perfect looking chart on Fertility Friend is all novelty to them. For me, I've had to extend my FF membership past when I thought I'd be done, and have since bought another basal thermometer. It's not fun anymore. So I can't congratulate and wish them a happy and healthy nine months to these gals who breezed in and sneezed and wow, pregnant my first month!, or worse yet, had accidental pregnancies because they thought it'd take longer (as evident from me, the crotchety old hag rocking away in her chair muttering "Someday it'll be my turn... someday...", while renovating her cubicle in TTC hell), and are "making do". I hate that I'm that person. I'm bitter! I'm usually upbeat! What the hell has happened to me? TTC has ruined my life.

So now I don't belong in TTC worlds, nor do I belong in the world of the almost marrieds, I definitely don't belong in the world of mommies and daddies, as being around babies right now isn't really the best choice for my remaining mental health. Right now, Doctor Amber has prescribed many alcoholic drinks, a trip to Disneyland (nine days!) and a kind and loving husband who wants nothing more than to help give her that dream of a baby. Until that happens, I'm going to retreat back into my dark and musty corner, and continue to make baby name lists in my head. Henry? Sounds like a winner.

Forgive the rants and gripes. I'm on a fast train to Angry and Bitter town, with a quick stopoff in Pityville.


Samantha said...

First, I've never commented here, and this is a kind of awkward post to come out, but I followed you here from WeddingBee (I was always a fan of your posts!). But the point of this comment isn't to make you feel bad by any stretch, but that you should appreciate what you DO have! Trust me, I KNOW what it's like to be frustrated, and to feel like things are NEVER going to improve, but at least at the very basic core, you have the opportunity to try, and you have a patient and loving husband who isn't giving up! These things take time. Apparently, fertility clinics often tell you not to even come knocking on their door until you've been trying for 2 years. It took my mother 5 years (and 3 miscarriages) until she had me -- she never gave up.

And the point here is that there is always someone worse off, so be thankful for what you can do. I've been married for 6 months, and would ultimately like to have children... but I can't even try. I have primary vaginismus, which means that because of pelvic floor muscular problems, I've never been able to even have sex, since it's so painful for me. I've been bounced around from doctor to doctor for the past 3 years, been in physical therapy for over a year, and had no success. I'm a married woman that can't participate in an activity that 16 year olds everywhere can do. How do you think that makes me feel? But if I expected life to be "fair" or thought about it in terms of the fact that everyone else got to have sex right away, or other women were able to get pregnant, I'd never be able to make it out the door because I'd be so depressed. Instead, I've learned that you just can't give up hope that eventually, things will work out. It might take a lot longer than for other people, but I've always found that being positive and happy helps me achieve my goals a lot quicker. So just remember to be thankful for everything that you DO have!!

julie said...

wow. i was going to come here to leave a little comment... but after that one... mine seems a little unimportant. well, anyway... i just wanted to drop in and say i know what you mean. i've been away from the forums too. and away from wb. i no longer fit in with the newly engaged. nor the wedding planning girls. i'm not ttcing. i'm not a mommy either. i'm just a wife. maybe there should be a wifey board. ha.