Amber's Head

As my blog title states, this is real life. While I'm a fan of television and sitcoms, reading books with endings that could never conceivably happen, life is not fiction. No, though I haven't blogged for a while (discounting the previous post), it's not due to some unfortunate happening, it's more that life is catching up with me. Working at an oil company in this time of recession and astronomical gas prices (don't blame me!), there really isn't much for me to do at work. You'd think I'd take this spare time and blog, right? Well, there is really not that much to blog about.

There really isn't anything interesting in my life right now. Paul's school is coming to a close, leaving me heartbroken yet again; after years of saying goodbye to students, you'd think my heart would toughen up a bit. No, that is not the case. Every year I grow attached to the students and either despair losing them this year, or celebrate yet another year with them (if they are younger grades). The graduation will commence (ha) in a few weeks, and we are invited to a few grad parties. I must remember to stop choking up at the ceremony. After all, the last time I was in that church, hearing "The Rose", was at my own wedding. And yes, I did cry THEN, too. I love these kids so much, the boys were invited to our wedding! The were altar servers at our wedding! Every year it's the same thing: support them, love them, help them, say goodbye. I don't know how Paul does it.

In other not-so-good news, my dad has lost his job. It's quite painful to watch your 62 year old father floundering without an idea of what he can do to be able to make a living. I've always been proud of him for maintaining a steady income despite not going to college and getting a degree. He's a wonder with his hands, and quite honestly the smartest man I know. It hurts me to know that he won't be able to retire, as he hadn't quite built up enough income, nor has he had a retirement account set up for himself. There really isn't anything that induces a more helpless feeling than knowing you can't support your parents should the need arise. Well, I'm sure there isn't until I have children, I can't imagine having to watch your child have an asthma attack while knowing there is really nothing you can do to help them (my parents had to do this for me). So I'm feeling helpless, yet trying to keep a happy face for him, to show him it will all work out okay. We're going to the Cheesecake factory tonight, I told him it would be my treat. :)

Let's see... what other news is there? This conceiving thing is hard work. With all the accidental pregnancies out there, who knew there were only like, 2/3 days you could really get pregnant? It's okay, I suppose, as I know we want to go to Disneyland again before our passports run out, and I'm pretty sure Space Mountain can't tolerate a pregnant woman. :) I often switch between being selfish and wanting to use our passports 'til the end, and just feeling a pain in my heart whenever I see a baby or child. I have no doubts that I can love my child to bits. I have no doubt that Paul and I will raise our children with very much love and support. So I suppose that's good, right?

Anyway, that's where I've been the last couple days. Not so much in a place, more inside my own head.

Ryan's Roses

In Los Angeles, Ryan Seacrest has a radio show. On this show he does a thing called "Ryan's Roses", where people who suspect their significant others are cheating call the show and they have an intern call this significant other and offer them free roses delivered to anyone they want. The just need information for the card, and the flowers are theirs. Most of the time, the person IS actually cheating, and the person being cheated on is still on the line, waiting to hear their name on the card, but instead hearing someone else's!

This show is truly painful to listen to, but I have to listen! It hurts my stomach, but it's like a car accident, you must watch it! Anyway, this morning was a particularly bad episode, as a girl called asking Ryan to call her ex-boyfriend, who she had just seen at Carl's Jr. the other day. She felt sparks, she said. So, they call the ex-boyfriend who instantly knows that he's being called from the radio show, and wants to know if it was his GIRLFRIEND who was calling about him. Well, Ryan said it was actually his EX-girlfriend who he had seen at Carls Jr. The girl gets on the line and literally begs this guy to give her another chance. On the radio. Couldn't have been more humiliating in my opinion. The guy sounds nervous, and says, "I HAVE a girlfriend, I was just being nice." The girl then says, "She'll never love you like I do." The guy then points out they've been broken up for a year and a half, and it's really time she move on. The girl then says, "Yes, okay. But if you change your mind, my number is still the same!" In response, he said, "Yeah... I'm good."

This may have been the best (of the worst) ever. While I may have had my share of pride-less moments, at least I can say I've never begged anyone for anything. Unless you count cookies and candy. Then yes, I'm guilty. I'd also like to say, if any of Paul's ex-girlfriends ever tried that, I'd kill 'em.

Reading and Tears

I swear, sometimes I just don't know why I keep reading books by Elizabeth Berg. The latest one I've read is called, "Dream When You're Feeling Blue", about the Hearney family, set in 1943. The story centers around the three Hearney girls; Tish, Louise and Kitty, and how their lives are changed when the war begins. As each one has their "boys" they write to, you're just waiting for that shoe to drop, to find out which one didn't make it, as the odds weren't good. Needless to say, it was a tear-jerker, and while it was absolutely fabulous writing, my heart just hurts.

The story was a fabulous one, and I totally recommend it to anyone who enjoys stories like that, but beware, you'll get into it! I read it in three days, and finally finished it over my Subway sandwich this morning. Now I must delve into my stash of previously read books I keep under my desk, and try to find one that won't make me cry.

Update

Sorry it's been quite a while since my last post. Last Monday Paul and I went to Disneyland, and managed to stay there about 12 hours! It was really lucky for us, the weather wasn't super sunny or warm, and a heavy mist fell on the park for a few hours after we arrived. We went on about 16/17 rides, picked up new pins and a wallet for me, and had a fantastic breakfast with the characters before the park opened. Since we didn't have to worry about overheating or waiting in long lines, we really had plenty of time to tour the park and go on rides we haven't been on ages!

It has been so hot this week in LA, and I've noticed I have a problem forgetting seasonal temperatures. When it's cold I'm wishing it were summer, when it's (almost) summer, I'm begging for cold! It was a beautiful day today, but Paul and I spent it inside, napping and watching movies. This evening we took Dad out to Bubba Gump Shrimp on the pier in Santa Monica, where he had a great time and ate plenty of food.

Paul's school will be out in a few weeks, and I'm really looking forward to hopefully taking a small vacation during the summer. A parent at Paul's school has kindly offered us a chance at a trip this summer to go somewhere, since Paul's been teaching her son math- and his grades have improved weekly!! So here's hoping we don't lose that chance.

Anyway, I'm going to take my tired hiney to bed, hope all are well!

Soul

I'm starting to believe I'm a glutton for punishment. Almost all of my favorite books and movies have some sort of painful twist in them. Last night I realized I was out of new books to read. Since the last time I ventured to the library ended in demolishing my right ankle (feeling better, still grossly swollen), I was unable to get any new books. This means I must scrounge around in my bookshelf for any books I haven't read in awhile.

The book I picked up is by Elizabeth Berg, called "Until the Real Thing Comes Along". I first read this book at least 6 years ago. It's about a woman who is 36 and in love with her ex-fiance, who is now gay and her best friend. The woman, Patty, always thought she'd be married with a few children by that age, and decides that she'll take what she can get, and talks her best friend Ethan into making a baby with her. When she finally has her child, she's miserable, as the man she loves has met another, and she just can't move on. The title is in reference to her plan with the best friend/ex-fiance. They'll have this baby and act like a couple (minus all the sexual bits) until their real thing comes along. While the story was not related to any of my personal life, the book really touched me. This particular excerpt says it all, "he took me out to dinner to a very nice place to break off our engagement and told me it was because he was gay. "Oh, Ethan," I said, "that's okay, I'll marry you anyway."

Sometimes we find ourselves in places and situations we really wish we weren't in, yet, we don't see that until later. I've been "Patty" before. I spent a few years of my life with a person who was waiting for HIS real thing to come along, and sadly, I was content with that plan. Finally, she came along, and I was alone. I'm pretty sure I was reading this book at that time, and just nodding my head and thinking, "I know that feeling, I'm feeling that right now!"

I don't know if it's because of how many years were wasted after Paul and I broke up the first time, but I can't bear to have a couple not together. If she loves him, and he loves her, what's the problem? This issue has caused me actual stomach aches, this drama of mine. Ross and Rachel, Jim and Pam. Still, real life has led me to believe that no matter what, these "destined in the script" couples won't be allowed to be together.

I'm constantly doubting my own marriage, thinking somehow I'll be punished for squandering so many years with other people, while MY real thing was somewhere I couldn't find him. I don't doubt I love Paul, or that he loves me. No, my doubt is directed above, to Him, if such an entity exists. See, the problem is, I don't really think I'm that good of a person. I can be mean, and hold grudges, I'm sometimes petty and judgmental. Why should I get everything I crave? I think this is what propels me to my hypochondria about my health. It's like I'm just waiting for that anvil to come tearing out of the sky like a Looney Toons cartoon. Somehow, I keep thinking it'll all catch up to me, and He will realize, "Waaait a minute, Amber hasn't gotten what's coming to her yet? Okay, here we go..." It's funny to me, not raised with any sort of religion, where did this guilt come from? I'm not a murderer or a dog abuser, I never eat grapes without buying them first. I refuse to jaywalk, and will always wait for the light to turn to cross. Despite that, I have a problem believing I'll be allowed to have a second chance with my real thing, to be happy. How often do people get second chances? And it's not a tiny second chance, it's a chance at love. A chance at family. A chance to make it right.

Now I'm just hoping Paul's deeply loving and good soul will be enough to cover us both in case of accidental Amber-ness.

Deep Thoughts.

What is it about pregnancy, or trying to conceive that makes you insane? I mean, I'm not even pregnant yet, and already I'm having overwhelming fears of having troubles. I've got no symptoms of having trouble conceiving, as we've only really been trying for a month or so... but my moods tend to swing around violently. One day I'll sit there and think, "Well, my fertile days are coming up, I'm sure if we can manage getting the appropriate parts in the appropriate places, I'll end up pregnant." Maybe it's the media (ahem, Ashlee Simpson, Jessica Alba- Jamie Lynn Spears, anyone?) or friends of mine "catching" pregnant accidentally that leads me to believe that it's easy. It can happen as easily as one, two, whoops!

Then I go and visit on The Nest, where I see women who have sex DAILY and are still not pregnant. What the hell? So I'll sit there during the day and think, "DAMN, It's going to take us YEARS." Then I think, "Ha, when I get pregnant this week, I'll be laughing at myself later." And THEN I think, "Don't jinx yourself, idiot!"

Something tells me I'm going to birth myself an ulcer.

Baby Gladiator

Despite being a coach, Paul isn't very competitive. I think being married to me brings out a bit of his inner "winner", so to speak, and that's usually just when we're playing a board game or video game. It was surprising to me then, when I spoke with his older cousin Michael (who is really a year and a half older, maybe two years) on Saturday. They were the best of friends growing up, kind of like my own cousin and I. There were a lot of parallels in his life with ours.

For one thing, he's short but has a tremendously tall wife. When we go out in public together, our matches look so odd, shouldn't the shorter people be with each other? Like us, they got married last year. Also like us, the man is the sweeter of the two! It seems that there was a bit of competition between us as couples, who had the better wedding, who had the better dress, which honeymoon was best. This is all complete fun, and not really as "Anything you can do, I can do better". It did keep us on our toes, though. Usually, we get their hand-me-down electronics and things like that. They're always buying new furniture, and new gadgets, new cars... whatever is newer they want. At first, Paul and I were a tad envious. If only it were that easy for US to just spend money hand over fist, and still be able to borrow a couple thousand to pay for a wedding like they did. Can you sense the bitterness? It's not like I don't like them, I adore them, and wish we saw them more, it's just really hard to see when all your pennies are going to the wedding fund, ya know?

Saturday rolled around, and I received a call from Michael. We started talking about televisions, and he mentioned wanting to wait until they got the stimulus check to buy a new one. Perhaps I mentioned our new 40" LCD TV we got to go along with the Blu-Ray PS3 we had (both of which were budgeted for, and also on sale), and then HE mentioned wanting a 47" LCD. Oh the competition. He also mentioned friends of theirs having a house in Maui, with a few bedrooms, and we were invited! We'd only have to pay for flights! It seems that while it rains, it pours, as a parent at Paul's school is offering us a vacation because Paul helped her son all throughout the year. All places were open! I'm thinking of Hawaii anyway, as I've always wanted to go! I mentioned to Paul that if we are actually pregnant when we'd like to go (July), it could be our babymoon.

Then, on the topic of family and vacations, and being out-spent by way of competition, Paul said "That's one thing we have to do first, we NEED the first baby." Ha, how sad are we? They get engaged first, move in together first, get married first... BUT, we actually met first! We win! Someone slap me. Again, we are all competing in the friendliest way possible. We're always happy for them to do things, and yes, we are very excited to see them become parents, as they've both never dealt with children or babies. Lucky for us, that's one area we're both very confident in.

Okay, okay, we are pathetic competitors. What would life be without a little competition with your loved ones?